The general nature of my business is working with people to expand awareness or “consciousness” in the areas of effective and peaceful co-parenting. To that end, my primary goal is to create a space where parents can explore ways to improve the co-parenting relationship. I must confess the work has its challenges! For one, I have found that relationships are like snowflakes. From a distance, one might assume they are generally the same. Get a closer look, however, and similar to snowflakes, no two are alike.
Because people vary by background, personality, life experience, and their approach to conflict in relationships, it can be challenging to create a tool(s) that address the vast and varied struggles co-parents face as they work to create a stable and happy life for their children.
One tool I find useful in helping co-parents reach a higher level of conscious awareness and ultimately greater agreement is value identification. Simply stated, a value is a belief, a mission, or a philosophy that has meaning. We “absorb” values starting at an early age. Primary sources are family, culture, educational institutions, religion, and social affiliations.
Values also arise through life experience. If we feel unrecognized and ignored as a child, as an adult we may value prestige and attention from others. As a child, my parents often argued. As a result, I value respectful communication, peace and non-violence.
In my work with individuals, I often start by providing a list of relational values from which to choose and rank their top ten by importance. Examples of relational values include trust, cooperation, fairness, loyalty and collaboration. The exercise is done at least twice, once using values ascribed to the co-parent relationship and a second either the workplace or a social circle. The purpose is to identify existing value conflicts.
Because we tend to compartmentalize our lives, personal values can range in fundamental importance depending on a situation, a person, or a location. What is important to us at home, our place of work, at the grocery store, within a valued social group, or with a co-parent tends to vary. For example, we often expect more from our relationships with friends and family than we might from an employer. As a result, a value such as belonging may not be as important to us at work as it is in a close social group.
Through the values identification exercise, individual self-reflection opens a doorway to crucial conversations and mutual problem-solving. As a bonus, when co-parents identify similar core relational values, a bridge to improved relating can be built using shared values as building blocks.
Finding agreement through a shared set of core values, or even a small subset of values can produce significant impact on children Of course, the more agreement reached the better, but even identifying one or two shared values can have a tremendous impact on the shared parenting relationship.
As a final step in the exercise, I work with the co-parents to create a list of shared-parenting value statements. Examples are:
- I manage and resolve my issues directly with my co-parent and do not put my child in the middle.
- I do not speak disrespectfully to or about my co-parent in front of the children.
- I serve as a role model for my children by managing my anger in an open and healthy way.
- I strive to create a co-parenting relationship built on empathy and compassion.
- I approach my co-parent relationship with honesty and trust.
Making value-based choices and decisions may not always be easy. However, making a choice that you know is right for your children is a lot less difficult in the long run.
Just as your car runs more smoothly and requires less energy to go faster and farther when the wheels are in perfect alignment, you perform better when your thoughts, feelings, emotions, goals, and values are in balance. ~ Bryan Tracy
Leave a Reply