Having worked in the process improvement field for many years, I read with interest a newsletter about the effects of randomness on project planning and management. The basic idea is that because of randomness, our ability to estimate, predict, and forecast project outcome is difficult. It’s difficult because randomness, also known as unpredictability, is possible in any process that makes up a project. In truth, all the planning and controlling we attempt to exert won’t undo the power of randomness to create unplanned or unexpected outcomes.
Scratching your head right about now? Project planning…management…randomness? You’re likely asking, where is the connection to shared-parenting relationships? Good Question!
Think about it. The shared-parenting experience is one of the biggest and most critical “projects” divorced or separated individuals will experience. Most challenging is that shared-parenting relationships can span years depending on the ages of children at the time of separation or divorce. Realistically, shared parenting continues in some fashion even after children are grown.
So with the inevitability of randomness in mind, topped with the complexity and longevity of shared-parenting relationships, let’s consider how parenting agreements are written. In my experience parenting agreements are often written so specifically and to a level of detail that goes to the day, hour, and even minute. There is little reflection on, or accounting for eventual life changes—new jobs, new relationships, illness, etc. We also fail to consider that over time, there is renewed peace of mind, which leads to less anger and need to control. It’s fact that too often agreements are formed from a place of significant conflict and bitterness.
Even as we recognize the emotional, legal, and logistical aspects of agreement making, it is important to acknowledge that when we depart from rational, mindful thinking in creating agreements, we fail to account for the imperfection of people and life’s day-to-day challenges. A tightly detailed agreement can work in the short term, but at some point randomness, in the way of uncontrollable situations or occurrences will step in and mess it up. Worse yet, when randomness happens, we tend to become angry and place focus on a perceived human “offender” rather than the frequent culprit, “pure randomness.”
By looking more closely at the effect randomness has on future events, we can learn a great deal about creating agreements that are flexible enough to stand the test of time. At its best, randomness teaches us is that in life, no matter what amount of good-will and competence is present in a relationship, no one has the power to predict or prevent random events or situations. For this reason, we must take randomness into account or deal with its consequences. To do otherwise runs the risk of broken agreements, interpersonal conflict, and repeated return to mediation or family court.
Stay tuned! Future posts will highlight specific tips for minimizing the negative consequences of randomness when creating parenting agreements.
“So much of life it seems to me, is determined by pure randomness.” ~ Sidney Poitier
Linda – another great, helpful post on co-parenting! Agreements can be immensely helpful and necessary – combined with understanding and willingness to reassess when life creates circumstances that fall outside the norm of the agreement.