On a scale of 1 to 10, how often would you say your assumptions are correct? If less than a perfect 10 has making an assumption caused difficulty in your shared parenting communications? If you answered yes, read on!
What happens to important communications when we assume incorrectly? To offer one example of assumption-making gone bad, let’s take a look at a riveting scene from the movie The Green Mile. Not long ago, while channel surfing, I came across the movie just in time to see the scene where central character, John Coffey, explains to the head jail keeper (Tom Hanks) , “I couldn’t help it boss. I tried to take it back, but it was too late.
Quickly rewinding to an earlier scene, it seems obvious that John Coffey is responsible for the murder of two young girls who went missing shortly before being found motionless in John’s arms. As the scene plays out, searchers look on in horror, as John, holding a child under each arm cries out, “I tried to take it back, but it was too late!”
Based on observation, need we know more? Case closed right? He confessed to the crime by saying he couldn’t take it back! But wait, back up. It seems that at no time during this tragic scene or after John is jailed on death row does anyone ask John the simple, yet critical question. “Did you do it?” Instead, the verdict of guilt is based purely on circumstantial evidence (assumption). There is no fact finding. Not even a minimal attempt through open and un-biased communication to uncover the truth.
Truth be told, John had miraculous healing powers. Unfortunately for John, who had happened upon the girls by chance, too much time had passed for his healing power to reverse the deaths. While a bit far-fetched, the movie offers a great deal of food for thought. Clearly, the assumptions of people around John overrode any and all critical information that could have brought out the truth and proved John’s innocence.
Moving on, why should we avoid making assumptions in shared parenting experiences and communications? According to author Stephen Covey, we tend to assume that the way we see things is the way they really are, or the way they should be. Born out of past personal experience and well-worn attitudes and behaviors our assumptions, right or wrong, form our beliefs and actions.
In shared parenting relationships, where communications can be emotionally charged to start, colliding realities and assumption-making tend to create barriers to clear and productive communication. Aptly stated, actor Henry Winkler once commented, “Assumptions are the termites of relationships.” And as we know, termites will destroy the essential structure of a home.
Are assumptions destroying the essential structure of your shared parenting relationship? If assumptions are creating a barrier to clear and open communication, it might be time to call in an assumption exterminator. Removing assumptions can lead to better communications and an improved shared parenting relationship.
“The way to keep yourself from making assumptions is to ask questions. ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
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